Glass three quarters full

Saturday June 20th, 2009

Keith: As everyone knows, God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, while taking a well-earned rest, no doubt He or She basked for a moment in the warm glow of satisfaction that comes from a job well done. And why not? Light, sea, earth, fruit-bearing trees, birds and fish and mammals, the tragically-flawed Adam and the comically over-credulous Eve - pretty bloody impressive stuff in anyone's book. Certainly a shit-load more than I've ever created in a week - although in fairness, I don't think He ever had to set aside time to deal with the Internal Revenue Service or Comcast.

I wonder though, whether there was also the odd regret on that first Sunday. Did He weigh up how he'd built the penguin and think - let's be honest, I got the aerodynamics arse about tit on that one? Did He look at the cockroach, the bed bug and those fancy little poodles with the shaved body and frizzed up heads and think - nope, they don't really add much value, do they? Did He ever actually taste Marmite? And did He have an inkling - just an inkling - that the French would turn out to be a wee bit difficult?

And what about the things He didn't create? I don't want to be critical, but if I was designing the human body today I'd make a few functionality adjustments. Body odor would be out, for starters. The knee could do with a complete redesign. And wouldn't it be great if you could wake up in the morning, tweak your left nipple and instantly cure a hangover? Small things, I know - but my point is that even great ideas can be improved.

And similar sentiments apply - albeit via a rather circuitous route - to Singapore. While it burst onto the scene in its present incarnation in slightly less spectacular fashion than, say, the creation of 50 million species and the Pacific Ocean, it nonetheless represents a pretty impressive achievement. It's the safest place to live in Asia. It's (arguably) the world's busiest port. It's got some of the best healthcare on the planet. Despite being in the tropics, it's virtually eradicated killer diseases such as malaria. It's got the widest choice of food in the region. It's been voted the best place in the world to do business. And it shows every single English Premiership game, the entire Twenty20 cricket championship and all the rugby internationals. You can even get chocolate digestives. What's not to like?

Well, a couple of things actually. Of course, it's not for us as guests of a country to talk about how we'd run things differently, but after my experiences over the last few days I have a few humble requests:

1. Introduce a minimum walking speed in shopping malls. If you've ever walked around in a hot Asian country you'll know phrases like 'high speed', 'sense of purpose', 'straight line' and 'respect for personal space' don't exactly pepper the conversation. Of course, it's perfectly reasonable to dawdle in the midday sun - but no-one seems to have worked out that you can touch speeds of 3-4 mph in aircon without breaking into a sweat. And better still, you get there quicker.

2. Ban building work on a Saturday. When it comes to its passion for construction, Singapore puts Donald Trump and the entire US fiscal stimulus package to shame. My ideal Saturday morning is a long lie-in after a hard week's work, with breakfast in bed and a copy of the New York Times - not getting woken up at 8am by a jack hammer as the guys next door start rebuilding their temple.

3. Finally - and a tall order this one - any chance you can do something about the humidity? There may well come a time in my old age when biological inadequacies force me to spend my entire life wringing out my underpants - I really don't see the need to start practising now.