Speaking Japanese: An Englishman's Guide

Monday February 9th 2009

Keith: If you ever wind up here in Tokyo, I found the following language guide indispensable:

At the Sushi Bar
Smile, bow head, pause, bow head =
Good afternoon. Table for two, no smoking please.

Follow waiter to table, smile, bow head =
No worries, the smoking table's just fine.

Smile, bow head twice =
Sure, we're ready to order. I'm allergic to shellfish - are there any dishes I should avoid?

Smile, bow head twice =
Are you positive I can eat that? It looks like lobster to me.

Smile, bow head twice =
No mate, I know a crab when I see one. Here, I'll try some of that sushi instead.

Smile, bow head twice =
Is that thing still alive?

Smile, bow head twice =
What are you talking about? It's walking across the f***ing plate.

Smile, bow head twice =
It looks like a cockroach on steroids. With a club foot.

Smile, bow head twice =
Hang on, I think it's making a run for it.

Smile, bow head frantically =
Waiter, waiter - kindly apprehend that crustacean!! Yes, that one - the one with the limp.

Smile, bow profusely, hands clasped as if in prayer =
Oh thank you madam, thank you - very well caught. And may I say you show a remarkable turn of speed for someone wearing such a dainty kimono?

Smile, bow head twice =
What the...? Noooooo - don't put it in your mouth!!!

Smile, bow head twice =
I'm feeling slightly nauseous: can you show me to the bathroom?

Next week: In the emergency room