Top Ten Surprises

Monday January 19th 2008

Keith: Two weeks gone, 76 to go. Not that I'm counting, you understand. Every day's an eye-opener. Every evening's a bottle-opener.

It would be an exaggeration to say that our senses have been bombarded with new sights, smells, sounds and touches in Singapore - particularly the touches, given the preventive measures I'm taking against SARS, bird flu and Hepatitis B. But there have been a lot of surprises. Here are our Top Ten.

1. It's not as hot or humid as we expected. In fact, I sweated more in New York last summer. On the other hand, this is what passes for winter.

2. I haven't died yet. No sign at all of Dengue Fever, Hepatitis A/B/C, cholera, malaria or typhoid. In fact, it appears I can't even get the last three in Singapore. Even the water's safe to drink.

3. They deliver McDonalds to your home. We met the delivery guy in the elevator yesterday. Can you imagine, as much lard as you want without having to stretch down to put your shoes on or do that long walk from the parking lot to the fast-food counter. What a country.

4. Despite (3) above, most Asians do not have large arses.

5. You can get American and European brands just as cheap as at home - like Laughing Cow cheese, Skippy peanut butter and Ariel non-biological washing powder for sensitive skin (leaves behind a pleasant sensation of almond milk and honey freshness).

6. The bread oxymoron. On the one hand, the bread tastes like shite because they pump it full of preservatives. On the other, it goes mouldy within two days. That's a national tragedy.

7. Alcohol is eye-poppingly expensive. My first pint out cost S$15 - about US$10 or GBP7. Last time I paid that much for a beer I got a free lapdance.

8. Every new apartment has a bomb shelter. Is there something they didn't tell us?

9. When you buy a 40" TV at S$200 off the list price, they throw a S$600 home entertainment system in free of charge. But you still have to pay S$20 for delivery and S$6 for the cables.

10. Spurs are just as crap here as they were when I watched them in San Francisco. Yet whenever I go to London they win the Carling Cup. How does that work?